in a world with too many love songs, and not enough love..

fuck this journal,
i already have a new one.
cyaaaa

Look at you, look at me,
walking ten feet tall are we,
Smiling silly smiles all day,
how'd we ever get that way?
Look at them, look at us,
wonderin' why we make such fuss.
Staring like we're not all there,
like looney birds are everywhere.
Can't they tell it? Can't they see?
What's so special 'bout you and me?
Poor old world can't recognize,
that's loves light shining in our eyes.
Well, look at us and look again,
and maybe you'll remember when,
you walked this tall and knew it too,
and the whole world turned to look at you.

lately i've been doing a lot of stupid shit. but i went shopping today, ahh it just soothes me. i choose what i wear and how i wear it. what i like changes a lot, thought, im nuts. and i'm constantly stressed out. i laugh at the wrong moments in public and my mom looks at me ashamed, but hey, what else is new. i say things i don’t mean like, more than you can imagine. i put myself in shitty situations. i've gotten to be a person i don't even know, and people talk. but hey, you don’t like me? fine, i probably won’t like you either. but i probably know enough about you to actually have a right to say that. you're more dishonest to yourself then i ever will be to you, so if you expect me to act a certain way for or around you, think again. i love waking up and not knowing where i am, there's something so releasing about forgetting about your worries, and your thoughts .for many people, it is too late to help them. they are scared of leaving there security area of staying normal and following the rules. eventually the wheels of progression will leave them under our feet. in my life, i do what i want and my happiness comes from things that you will never understand. and when i'm mad, i get violent, i yell at anyone in my way, and i always need to prove my point. i'm one of the best debaters you will ever talk to if i'm passionate about whats at hand. buh im just sick of everything lately. all the cycles that i apparently accumulalte with multiple people. i hate that. i need new folk. or a change of scenery. help a girl out.

fuck everything i say.
i never mean half of it.

we cant be sober because we chose to not be sober. i dont care about my life as much as i say i do. and i care way more about people than i say i do. im taking classes now and work full time, so fuck you who throw shit in my face out of spite when we're fighting. i cannot wait to be in boston and proving everyone wrong because with the only person who really gets me now. h2hoe foreverrrr. i love her and our crazy roadtrips. holler for best friends.

i suck at writing in this. i never get on at home.
i have so many good thoughts but can't really write anymore.
han and i are being sober now.
i realized why this is so hard.
if only i can realize why i mess up every god damn good thing that finally comes near me.
we're going to connecticut and vermont soon to see some boys we love & miss.
there's so much i love. there's so much i miss.
lifeishardlifeishardlifeishard.

IM IN BOSTON WITH MS. HANNAH AKLEYYYY.
WE LOVES IT LOVES IT LOVES IT.
BUT WE'RE MISSING OUR BFF.
AND I KINDA WISH I WAS IN AUSTRALIA..
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
THIS IS HARD.

its black friday, like the best day ever. the day was like made for me. seriously. so yeahh, i'm taking my favorites skating in clinton square this year, obviously skating has a special place in my heart, as does clinton square but we won't get into that... what else? hm, basically me & my bff gen write the sickest things about each other in our myspace, if i'm not your friend yet, you should proabably add me, myspace.com/heythatshottt.... obviously. anyway, i doubt many people read this, but if you do you're probably pretty fucking awesome. uhm, i barely write in here because my internet at home is special ed so i come to genevive's & write when she goes to bed, considering i'm a freakin' insomniac. so much nonsense goin' down lately. i think way too much for my own good and after numerous heart to hearts with my bff gen ive come to the realization, that i've decide to share with errbody..

i let people in too easily. i have this need to be needed & i'm addicted to affection. seriously. i should have the hugest wall ever built up to block out people, the world, pain, whatever. but i have none whatsoever. i basically scream for people to come knock me down. probably isnt the funnest. haaaa. idk why i do this, actually i think i do but i just cant control it. so it seems. im not gonna lie, i love having a boyfriend, i mean c'mon, i literally havent been single for longer than a few weeks since 8th grade, no joke. and i've been in the roughest of situations with those boys. as well as my dad which kinda messed me up and i guess i use as another excuse of why i should hate men but apparently i dont? i just want so so so much, i dont even know if i deserve it, but who wouldnt deserve happiness? idkkkk, im basically just as special as those preschoolers i sub for. =]

i hate my mom, shes however old, yet she's the most ignorant and judgemental person. i dont have to love her because she is my blood but i do have to deal with her. its getting harder and i cannot wait to get away with genevive, but no doubt about it, we are. 
"the only people you need in your life are the ones that need you in theres"... yet there's so many people i miss and love and who used to need me as much as i needed them. i love all my friends though, it seems like a lot of us are really growing up. its a new and akward feeling..

"I was a little girl and somebody made a shitty latch. That's what I think. That's what I think about the whole thing, okay? And I'm not gonna take those drugs anymore, because they have left me completely fucking numb. I have felt so fucking numb to everything I have experienced in my life, okay? And for that... for that I'm here to forgive you. You've always said that all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted, right? Well, maybe, what mom wanted more than anything is for it to all be over, and for me, what I want more then anything in the world, is for it to be okay with you for me to feel something again...even if it's pain." 
  

yeah, i'm going to keep up with this thing as best i can.
i just re-read my old ones: love_824 & colorme_hopeful
yeah, things have changed. as have i. dramatically. 
i realized tonight how much i miss old friends,
and especially john. 2010 cant come soon enough.

soooo, im a college drop out, woo! i love how so many people are quick to talk when they don't know me or my situations. and by the way, i think the saying "ignorance is bliss" is a crock. it's like saying being ignorant makes you happy, it makes you dumb, sorry. i guess thats all i have to say on that, if you're important enough to me you know the deal, you know me, my life and you know what's up and no one else including their warped views and opinions of me matter. and i'm finally at a state where i can really mean that.

i'll write later, i need to go sex my best friend real quick.